In Remembrance..

On Saturday, September 10th, 2011, Duane and I were headed to Glenwood, IA after spending the afternoon on the lake. As he drove, I watched rows and rows of corn go by as we talked about too many subjects to recall.

And then there was that moment. A moment when I couldn’t help but realize the sunset setting down over the cornfields. The moment where I became observant and unusually quiet to the point where Duane thinks something is wrong. As I sat in that moment, I couldn’t help but to notice three marks in the sky. Of course it is no mystery as to what the marks were, just simply exhausts from multiple jets.

It was at that particular moment that I was taken back in time. Ten years ago on September 11, 2001, I remember my parents talking to me about the terrorist attacks after coming home from school. Of course, I was full of questions, mainly because I didn’t understand a lot of what had happened, just that we kept watching it over and over on T.V.. at school. To this day I remember my mom saying that her and my sister noticed two giant circles created in the sky from jet exhausts and moments later turning on the radio to hear one of the Twin Towers had been crashed in to.

By this time on our drive to Glenwood, Duane starts questioning what is wrong and what I was thinking about because I am never quiet for so long. To be honest, the only words that I could formulate were, “Do you think anything will happen tomorrow?” When Duane figured out that I meant 9/11, he gave his opinion and then asked for mine.

I honestly didn’t know how I felt. I prayed through my whole sudden realization that it had already been ten years later that nothing would happen, but I couldn’t help but think of the negative people that our world contains and how no matter how prepared we may be, we are never prepared enough.

Again, we went back to being quiet. I knew that even if the 10-year anniversary to September 11 was quickly approaching, that we as a country cannot always live in fear. If we fear one day, September 11, then we will constantly fear others.

As we ended the drive, we were backing to talking about every subject imaginable and went on as if the conversation didn’t make us stop and think.

Sunday, September 11, we attended church in Glenwood. As we drove to church, I again observed the surroundings outside of the car. I couldn’t help but to think how such a small town could show such great appreciation for our country, those who lost their lives that Tuesday morning and those service men and women who risk it all for our country so that we can be free.

As we drove down the town square I glanced down a street to my right. I noticed a fire truck blocking the street. Further down the street was another fire truck with a giant American Flag raised off the back.

Ten years ago, I was only twelve. Within a year of September 11, 2001 I was having the discussion with my parents about possibly joining the military when I graduated high school. We discussed the different branches, how school will benefit my career, how it is a solid career, the traveling options, the pros and the cons.

I specifically remember being in my dad’s truck with this conversation when my mom asked me why I was considering joining. My response was flashed back into my head on Sunday as I watched the American flag wave from the fire truck.

“I want to join to fight for our country. After September 11, I want to fight back.”

Innocent people were killed on that Tuesday morning. Families were torn apart and hero’s were made. I wanted to give back to those who lost and those who gave.

As we continue in this almost ten year long war on terrorism, I cannot express enough how grateful I am for the sacrifices being made for my freedom. There is not a day that goes by that I do not wish I could be there fighting for our Country. I am left hopeless and looking for an alternative, but is there an alternative?

I know some who survived 9/11, I know soldiers who have gone away to war, and I know soldiers who have paid the ultimate sacrifice.

I have not forgotten what we are fighting for, nor will I forget those who are fighting for me.

September 11 will mark a day in history for all of us. To the service men and women currently fighting, to those who paid the ultimate sacrifice, to the individuals lost on Tuesday morning and to the families standing brave through it all—Thank you.

An Overdue Realization

When I left high school, I left a lot behind. Little did I know that the people who I thought would always be there would slowly fade away. I left with no regrets. I knew deep inside that every choice I made in those four years were the right choices at the time.

My parents feared me going into high school. And even more when I turned sixteen. They just knew I would be a rebel child, constantly breaking curfew and getting into trouble. But, then they learned that they had nothing to fear. I was home every night hours before they told me to be home. I confessed everything to avoid getting into trouble and then I started just telling before I did something. Like, when I was eighteen and thought I would be a rebel and get a piercing—I chickened out and told my mom I was getting it before going.

I went from hanging out with a whole group of people, to only hanging out with one or two. I arranged my schedule to attend college courses in the afternoon, and ate lunch in a classroom while everyone else sat with each other.

I thought I had a great, supportive group of friends. By the time senior year came around they were gone. I tried to stay in touch with a few, but after awhile I realized that it took both people to make it work. And I just felt weird constantly trying to make it work when obviously they didn’t want it.

I left high school without any regrets. I made decisions that I paid the consequences for. I believe whole heartedly that I did what was best for me.

I went to a college where only one person from my high school was going to go. I wanted to escape everything I had been through in those four years. I figured college would come a lot easier when it came to friendships. When my mom went through college she met new friends and even though they don’t get together much anymore, they are still in contact with one another. I just knew, without a doubt that my luck would change and I, too, would have that kind of bond with people and this time they wouldn’t walk out when times got rough.

I joined a sorority. Every one said it was like paying for your friends. I really don’t see how. I had friends within it, yes. But, it wasn’t like I was friends with everyone. Sisters, but not necessarily the best of friends.

I made a lot of choices during college. Some that I am proud of and some that, well, I will live with those decisions for the rest of my life. I used to say that I was living with no regrets. Later, I realized I regretted a lot of things. Although I can’t go back and time and change it, I do know that I am a different person now and that I have learned from those mistakes.

My last year of college, I changed. I no longer wanted to be the person who I was anymore. I kept looking for an escape. And once I found that escape, I learned that more came with changing than just me. Again, I feel like after graduating a lot of people vanished within a few short months. It’s interesting to see who I don’t talk to anymore, now that I’m not seen walking on campus, stopping by dorms or attending weekly meetings.

It’s also interesting to see who will talk to you when you’re out in public or who just tries to pretend like they didn’t see you or they don’t know you. This goes for both people from high school and college. And it’s funny to see people pretend like you’re best friends with them and that they “miss you so much!” But, yet they never bother to call or text or even write on your facebook wall when they haven’t seen you in months.

For almost a year I have looked back on my life and realized how much I have changed. And while it has been a good change, I also spent a year realizing who people are. Again, I know I am not perfect. I know to some people they may hate me, they might think I am rude, or they might hope to never see me again.

I graduated college a few months ago, I walked out with what I thought were quite a few friends. Looking at life now, I barely talk to half of them. It’s a hard concept to grasp when thinking about things. It was like one month you are friends and then the next they are no longer part of your life. I feel like I have done all I can do. In that aspect I have no regrets.

It’s also true when they say friends come and go. I have made a few new friends in the past short three months. I can honestly say that these are real friends. I can talk about anything with them and they are there to get me through it. But, don’t get me wrong there are still those select few from college.

In the end, I guess it doesn’t matter how many people you want to consider a friend, but what matters is who is actually there when you need them. College is a lot like high school. A lot of people still need to grow up and realize the important things in life.

Friends come and go. You just got to hold on for the ride and you’ll soon figure out who is actually there to stay.

The One Vacation I Am Not Seeing an End To

I’ve always considered my life blessed. I never had to try too hard in school, sports came naturally and I’ve been told I’ve been given a gift in writing. Sure, there are struggles but never anything where studying, practicing or simply acting for help couldn’t help.

I went into college with goals. In fact, I strongly remember the day I moved to college saying that, “college was going to be a new beginning for me” and while half of that is saved for another day, I feel like I achieved the goals I set for myself. I earned above a 3.0GPA and graduated a semester early with two majors. I even landed two internships with the Department of Defense. I knew I had the knowledge and potential to reach the goals I set for myself after college. While I never planned to be anyone big, I never dreamed it would be this hard to get there.

March 17^th --Exactly three months since I graduated. I am still living in Maryville, paying rent with my savings and I’ll admit my parents are also helping me, a lot. And, I am jobless. Since about two months before graduation until now, I have applied to nearly 200 jobs. I think it’s safe to say that I do get scared that I am not going to remember the job or catch the company name if someone calls. I have received one offer, offering the same salary to me as they do a person with a GED. Talk about a slap in the face. A phone interview that I was second choice for the job out of 76 people. And, a phone interview in which they told me they would call back to set up a face to face interview and never have. That was over three weeks ago. With today’s technology, all the jobs I have applied for have been online. Usually I never know if they have received my information unless I am luckily to receive a “thank you for applying” email and I never know when the positions are filled because rejections letters/emails are never sent out.

This whole process has made me question a lot of things. I know your priorities change as you grow up and changes occur in your life, but I never thought I would question whether or not I should even try to get a career in what I went to school for.

It seems like everywhere I go people ask if I found a job yet, where am I working or how the job search is going. I am flattered to have so many supportive people in my life, but I feel like a failure when I have to say nope, nope, or not so great. I feel like that kid whom just 30k on an education and isn’t motivated to use their degree. Except little do they know I stress myself out daily to find a job.

A lot of people also say that God has a plan or they tell me to pray. Let me tell you. I have never prayed for something so hard and so much in my life. I am beginning to think God is annoyed with the same old prayer and that this is his way of protesting against me. I know he has a plan. And I know there are more important things in my life to be asking for than a job, so to be honest with you, I backed off on that prayer. I know he has heard and he’ll present when he is ready.

The past few months haven’t been too pretty. I have taken a lot of frustration out on the ones I truly care about and it hurts to know my pain hurts them. I have become weaker and what used to be, “okay, I have applied to a few I want to go do something else now..” has now turned into insecurities, tears and sadness. I enjoyed the first few weeks off without school and work, but now I am ready for my real life to begin.

Search, Search, APPLY! Search, Change cover letter, APPLY!, Check email (even though it didn’t go off), check phone for a missed call/text/voicemail (even though it didn’t go off), Search, Search, And so on..

That’s my day. But, yet, if you told someone I don’t go to school and I don’t work, they get highly jealous and make a big deal about how I don’t do anything with my life and how my life is “so complicated.” Little do they know that not finding a job is more complicated than they think. Even if I try to take a break from job searching I mentally think I am missing a job opportunity. They say my generation is addicted to Facebook, I think it is save to say I am addicted to careerbuilder, journalismjobs, indeed and any other sites I can stumble upon.

I know that life isn’t always easy. I never expect it to be, nor have I wanted it to be. I like the challenges. But, I not ashamed to say that this is one challenge that is getting the best of me.

An Angel Received from Earth

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." -John 13:7

I don’t understand why God took you away from us.

I always imagined the day you would come back home. That was the day that our lives would be back to how God originally made them. Little did we know that God had a different plan for you.

I can’t help but to fill my head with questions like why her and why now. To me, you still had so much here to do and so many of us who still needed you. But, obviously God needs you more.

Last week God received an angel from Earth into His Heavens. God has given you a new life. A life free of pain, free of medicines and free of machines. As much as I hurt because you are gone, I know you are finally receiving the life that you have been fighting for.

While we stay here on Earth and continue to keep old memories alive as well as make new ones, I know that someday we will see each other again.

Until that time comes, remember that you will always be remembered and I will never forget you. Please watch down on us as we continue the plans God has for us. I love you and know that you are always in my heart.