The One Vacation I Am Not Seeing an End To

I’ve always considered my life blessed. I never had to try too hard in school, sports came naturally and I’ve been told I’ve been given a gift in writing. Sure, there are struggles but never anything where studying, practicing or simply acting for help couldn’t help.

I went into college with goals. In fact, I strongly remember the day I moved to college saying that, “college was going to be a new beginning for me” and while half of that is saved for another day, I feel like I achieved the goals I set for myself. I earned above a 3.0GPA and graduated a semester early with two majors. I even landed two internships with the Department of Defense. I knew I had the knowledge and potential to reach the goals I set for myself after college. While I never planned to be anyone big, I never dreamed it would be this hard to get there.

March 17^th --Exactly three months since I graduated. I am still living in Maryville, paying rent with my savings and I’ll admit my parents are also helping me, a lot. And, I am jobless. Since about two months before graduation until now, I have applied to nearly 200 jobs. I think it’s safe to say that I do get scared that I am not going to remember the job or catch the company name if someone calls. I have received one offer, offering the same salary to me as they do a person with a GED. Talk about a slap in the face. A phone interview that I was second choice for the job out of 76 people. And, a phone interview in which they told me they would call back to set up a face to face interview and never have. That was over three weeks ago. With today’s technology, all the jobs I have applied for have been online. Usually I never know if they have received my information unless I am luckily to receive a “thank you for applying” email and I never know when the positions are filled because rejections letters/emails are never sent out.

This whole process has made me question a lot of things. I know your priorities change as you grow up and changes occur in your life, but I never thought I would question whether or not I should even try to get a career in what I went to school for.

It seems like everywhere I go people ask if I found a job yet, where am I working or how the job search is going. I am flattered to have so many supportive people in my life, but I feel like a failure when I have to say nope, nope, or not so great. I feel like that kid whom just 30k on an education and isn’t motivated to use their degree. Except little do they know I stress myself out daily to find a job.

A lot of people also say that God has a plan or they tell me to pray. Let me tell you. I have never prayed for something so hard and so much in my life. I am beginning to think God is annoyed with the same old prayer and that this is his way of protesting against me. I know he has a plan. And I know there are more important things in my life to be asking for than a job, so to be honest with you, I backed off on that prayer. I know he has heard and he’ll present when he is ready.

The past few months haven’t been too pretty. I have taken a lot of frustration out on the ones I truly care about and it hurts to know my pain hurts them. I have become weaker and what used to be, “okay, I have applied to a few I want to go do something else now..” has now turned into insecurities, tears and sadness. I enjoyed the first few weeks off without school and work, but now I am ready for my real life to begin.

Search, Search, APPLY! Search, Change cover letter, APPLY!, Check email (even though it didn’t go off), check phone for a missed call/text/voicemail (even though it didn’t go off), Search, Search, And so on..

That’s my day. But, yet, if you told someone I don’t go to school and I don’t work, they get highly jealous and make a big deal about how I don’t do anything with my life and how my life is “so complicated.” Little do they know that not finding a job is more complicated than they think. Even if I try to take a break from job searching I mentally think I am missing a job opportunity. They say my generation is addicted to Facebook, I think it is save to say I am addicted to careerbuilder, journalismjobs, indeed and any other sites I can stumble upon.

I know that life isn’t always easy. I never expect it to be, nor have I wanted it to be. I like the challenges. But, I not ashamed to say that this is one challenge that is getting the best of me.