Faith

They say college is the years in your life that you are allowed to make bad choices and experiment because after you graduate it's off to the real world.

For me, college has definitely had its ups and downs. There are plenty of moments that I never want to forget, but there are quiet a few that I wish never happened.

My sophomore year was my "crazy" year in college and although it could of been far worse, I am still not proud of it nor do I admit to a lot of the things that happened.

For the longest time I lived my life with no regrets. I never felt like anything was a mistake or regret, just simply a lesson in life. And a something that made me, me.

I am a believer in God. And I believe that if you ask for forgiveness then you shall receive it.

But for some reason I struggled with this idea every time I asked for forgiveness. God has always been there and I knew He was forgiving me, but inside I didn't understand why he would forgive sins like mine.

I have always lived with a huge guilt inside of me. No matter how much I prayed, I honestly didn't feel forgiven.

I can't honestly say what happened between sophomore and junior year, but I changed. I grew up.

I distanced myself from my friends for a semester. When they realized my change, they walked away from me. I did my thing and they did theirs.

I continued to lean on God-- still working on seeking full forgiveness for my past.

I soon realized what I wanted out of life, what my priorities in life were and how I constantly changed myself to please others in many aspects of my life and I didn't want to anymore.

Overtime, I realized that all along God had forgiven me, but I had not forgiven myself. Until I did I would constantly live with the guilt and unwanted memories.

I have learned to let go of the choices I have made in the past. I know that I can't go back and change them, and I've realized that the past is full of "lessons." However, I am now honest with myself and admit that I regret some of it.

I now have my friends back and know that I can still do some of the old things I use to without all the bad decisions that came along. I have also made new friends within the time period and they have impacted my life a lot.

In many ways I live my life more to God these days. I pray more. Put more in His hands. And know that there is a reason to every situation I am in-- and in time I will no the reason. Faith has been my savor.

"Everyday God gives a moment in which it is possible to change everything that makes us happy. The magical instant is the moment during which a yes or no can change our entire existence."

May the Angels protect you, trouble neglect you.

Since my last post, James has called me twice (via Skype), Mon. the 11th and then Thurs. 14th. Usually there is a 3 to 4 day gap in between us talking because he is gone a mission or they shut off communication there for awhile.

I would have to say the gap in not talking is the hardest part. We went from talking everyday to every 3 or 4 days and with 30 minute limitations. I guess the fear is that its been so long.. I hope nothing bad has happened.

James and I talked about that on Thursday when he called. I basically just let it out and said that it makes me nervous when I don't see him online or hear from him for multiple days in a row. He understood this concern and said "no news is good news." Which I suppose is true. Then he followed up by saying I wasn't on the contact list so he can see where I would get nervous. He told me he would tell his brother to contact me if something did happen.

In a way that was a relief. I knew I would always be informed then, only now I pray not to hear from his brother.

We also talked about the dreams I have been having. James doesn't have much to say about them. I think he finds it just as weird as I do. We talked about how he hasn't been remembering his dreams. And again about how I have never had dreams that come true, but every time I dream about him, they come true.

From there you basically say anything you can think of before your 30 minutes is up and let me tell you... it's the fast 30 minutes of your life. And every time, you just want to hold on to the moment and slow down time because you never know when exactly you will hear from him again.

Since Thursday, I hadn't heard from James and he hadn't been online. Usually after a few days I send a facebook to let him know I am still praying for him. That way if he gets online when I am not online, he knows I wish I could be.

Yesterday he was able to get on again. We had way less than 30 minutes together. It was like 2:30 in the morning there so he had to make things quick to let everyone back home know he was okay and then get to bed.

After I talked with him. A couple of my friends came over to watch a movie, "The Hurt Locker." It was a movie about the war in Iraq and what the troops are doing over there.

Throughout the night I woke up at least 5 times due to nightmares. I kept seeing James in full combat. Shooting people. People shooting him. Bombs exploding.

I really thought I had this dream because of the movie, but around 1 p.m. today I talked with James about it. Again my time was short so we pretty much only discussed the dream and then time was up, but to me it doesn't matter as long as I see that he has gotten online or I can just say a few words to him.

I asked James if work went ok, because I woke up like 5 times to nightmares.

He asked like what.

I said, you. You were fighting and shooting and bombs were going off.

He responded with "and I am fine."

From there I knew my dream was true. I hate discussing the dreams because I don't want to freak myself out nor James. We talked about it a little and he told me to think positive things about him before falling asleep. I agreed to try and I said I believe the dreams mean something and as long as he is safe then I can stand them.

James has now been deployed for a month. I still pray everyday for his safe return home.

Dreams

On the 12th of December (I believe it was), I dreamt that James called me and told me he was deploying for Afghanistan. In my dream I had absolutely nothing to say to him. I was scared and speechless of his leaving and so shocked that it came so soon.

After waking up, I thought nothing of the dream. At the end of the day, James got online and we were just casually talking like we had been doing everyday.

All the sudden James said, "Kiley, I am leaving soon."

My dream came true... the only thing was I wasn't speechless.

"There is so much I want to say, but I've said it all," I said. "Then, tell me something new," He said.

"I had a dream about you last night. You called and told me you were deploying." James didn't have much to say about that, but we both kind of ignored it.

From there I told him to be safe, always call his family first (and then me), to listen to "our" songs and think of me and always know you're never alone.

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Later that night I went to sleep and about midnight I woke up after dreaming that James was online (even though he was suppose to be gone by now). I got online to see if this dream was true. Sure enough James was online.

He was writing a letter and doing final goodbyes to his family before going to bed.

James deployed December 14th.

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A few days after New Year's I had another dream. I don't remember any of it, but when I woke up I was scared to death and all I could think about was James. I knew that it had to relate.

I hadn't really talked with James in a few days so I sent him a facebook message saying, I woke up with an uneasy feeling about him and to be careful. And that I am praying for him.

A few minutes later he wrote back telling me they were heading out on a mission and that he would talk to me when it was over. And "thanks for the heads up."

I went all day waiting to hear from him. James made it through safe :)

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On Friday the 8th of Jan. James called me via Skype. It sure was good to hear his voice.

Friday night I dreamt that I was in the unknown place, with harsh living conditions and getting ready for bed. All of the sudden I heard a gun shot and I took off running to see who it was.

I honestly can't say I tied this one back to James because he wasn't really in it except for me thinking about him when I woke up.

On Saturday, I talked with James online and asked what his plans for the day were. He said nothing really, but told me about his day after talking to me via Skype.

Let's just say the dream and his day tied together.

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I don't understand why every dream I have about James comes out true to a point in the end. My mom said maybe I was guardian angel or maybe fate is what is causing this.

At times it's hard to have them all come true, when no other dream of mine has ever came true, but at other times it's like I know he is still safe and protect him.

I'm still praying. Everyday.