I would have to say the gap in not talking is the hardest part. We went from talking everyday to every 3 or 4 days and with 30 minute limitations. I guess the fear is that its been so long.. I hope nothing bad has happened.
James and I talked about that on Thursday when he called. I basically just let it out and said that it makes me nervous when I don't see him online or hear from him for multiple days in a row. He understood this concern and said "no news is good news." Which I suppose is true. Then he followed up by saying I wasn't on the contact list so he can see where I would get nervous. He told me he would tell his brother to contact me if something did happen.
In a way that was a relief. I knew I would always be informed then, only now I pray not to hear from his brother.
We also talked about the dreams I have been having. James doesn't have much to say about them. I think he finds it just as weird as I do. We talked about how he hasn't been remembering his dreams. And again about how I have never had dreams that come true, but every time I dream about him, they come true.
From there you basically say anything you can think of before your 30 minutes is up and let me tell you... it's the fast 30 minutes of your life. And every time, you just want to hold on to the moment and slow down time because you never know when exactly you will hear from him again.
Since Thursday, I hadn't heard from James and he hadn't been online. Usually after a few days I send a facebook to let him know I am still praying for him. That way if he gets online when I am not online, he knows I wish I could be.
Yesterday he was able to get on again. We had way less than 30 minutes together. It was like 2:30 in the morning there so he had to make things quick to let everyone back home know he was okay and then get to bed.
After I talked with him. A couple of my friends came over to watch a movie, "The Hurt Locker." It was a movie about the war in Iraq and what the troops are doing over there.
Throughout the night I woke up at least 5 times due to nightmares. I kept seeing James in full combat. Shooting people. People shooting him. Bombs exploding.
I really thought I had this dream because of the movie, but around 1 p.m. today I talked with James about it. Again my time was short so we pretty much only discussed the dream and then time was up, but to me it doesn't matter as long as I see that he has gotten online or I can just say a few words to him.
I asked James if work went ok, because I woke up like 5 times to nightmares.
He asked like what.
I said, you. You were fighting and shooting and bombs were going off.
He responded with "and I am fine."
From there I knew my dream was true. I hate discussing the dreams because I don't want to freak myself out nor James. We talked about it a little and he told me to think positive things about him before falling asleep. I agreed to try and I said I believe the dreams mean something and as long as he is safe then I can stand them.
James has now been deployed for a month. I still pray everyday for his safe return home.
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