Between Heaven and Earth

About three weeks ago I finally got in my first flying lesson. Strangely, I was never really nervous. I feel like I lost that emotion awhile ago. I did; however, have about every thought imaginable run through my head.

What if I don't understand what I am suppose?

What if I don't comprehend things?

What if I crash?

And so on. Just the basic I don't know what I got myself into, but still eager to try it. But there was no butterflies in my stomach or thought of backing out.

The first hour of the session consisted of me sitting down with the instructor and learning how a plan so heavy can fly, learning the gauges, hearing examples of stories of previous students and of course the whole check EVERYTHING with your plane before flying. And when I say everything I really do mean everything. One little screw missing or a small dent a wing or prop and the whole plane is messed up.

The plane is pretty cool. There are two sets of controls so my instructor has a set and then I have a set. So finally, I am sitting there in the four seater plane in the cock-pit waiting to taxi.

Few basic 'need to knows' when trying to fly a plane:
* You steer with your feet pedals when taxing. But, both feet pushing the top of the foot pedals is your break.
* You also have a steering wheel which helps in the sky;however,
- To turn left, you turn with the wheel and a little left foot pedal.
- To turn right, you turn with your right foot pedal and a little steering wheel to the LEFT.
* Your steering wheel moves in and out. This allows the plane to climb or descend.
- Push in to drop the nose of your plane.
- Pull out to raise the nose of your plane.
* There is also the throttle, trim, about 9 gauges and more.

Sound complicated? Well, it is. But you eventually get the hang of it.

My first flight I wasn't allowed to take off and landings, but I did try to taxi when we landed. Hint: TRY. My instructor soon took over that one. Once in the sky though we went over a few of the basics and I got the fly the plane all alone! A bunch of multitasking and I flew in a 'semi' straight line. Soon, I made a few turns but the first flight mainly consisted of getting a feel for the plane and the movements so straight lines and a few turns. And then we landed.

Today, was flight lesson number 2. Of course the inspection of the whole plane occurred before take off, but after that things were a lot different than the first flight.

I got to announce over the radio to other planes with radios and towers that we were taking off! It was a mouth full and I messed up the ending but it was super cool. Someday I'll get it down where I sound like the pilots do when they speak to their passengers.

From there we were off! The winds were a bit rough today and I got to experience "air road bumps" but I also got to see everything without snow on the ground. Once I finally adjusted to the winds we practiced a few things: inclines from 2500ft to about 3500ft, and of course what goes up must come down so I learned that too. We did that about 3 times. I also got to do quite a few 180 degree turns and actually learned how to steer with my feet.

My instructor said I was progressing well. I even got to take the plane clear up to the runway, BUT I didn't get to land it. From there I taxied the plane back up the runway and I started off shaky because it's a lot to do with your feet, but by the end I was going really straight!

My instructor said that the next time I fly I will be learning "S" turns and stalls. Hopefully I can get in again this week.

I still can't see myself flying all alone without anyone in there to save me if I forget something, but everyone says once I get a few hours under my belt I will be. We will see about that!

My new apartment in DC!!

Or the lack of...

Back in February I posted an ad on craiglist stating I was looking for a place to stay for the summer. I had several inquiries (some OK and some just creepy). A few days after I posted the ad I received an email from someone who was looking for a summer roommate. She was my age, my personality, had a stable job, sent pictures of the apartment with dimensions, said that we didn't have to be friends but she needed help on the rent.

I thought I was the perfect canadite for this room. We exchanged a lot of information about ourselves to see if we both thought we would work personality wise. Soon, we agreed that we wanted to live with each other and she sent me a contract drawn up by her attorney.

She wanted a $600 deposit and $600 for the first months rent, but my mom and I agreed to make a visit during my spring break to meet the roommate and see the apartment before I gave all the money. So I sent a moneygram to her attorney to hold my spot.

I figured this was normal. I mean all the times I looked at apartments in Maryville they requested a deposit and some even asked for the first months rents straight up. Even on my apartment in Maryville I put down a deposit like 3 months before I moved in to ensure my spot.

Once I received the contract drawn up by the attorney I had an attorney glance over it to make sure it seemed OK. We made a few minor changes and I emailed her a signed copy back as well as sent a moneygram.

From there, she stayed in contact. She added me on MSN Messenger and we sent emails back and forth. I was busy constantly with school so there wasn't a ton of communication, but there still was some.

About a week before my spring break came I emailed her to remind her I was coming out this weekend. She said it wouldn't be a problem and that she was more than willing to meet me and show me the apartment.

My mom and I flew out to D.C. on Friday night. It was a low elevation flight due to bad weather, but the lights over D.C. were beautiful.

On Saturday, mom and I woke with the notation to meet her at 11am. After we ate breakfast we made a quick stop to the room where I grabbed the camera and we wrote down all the information needed for the apartment. Leaving behind the contract and copy of the moneygram.

We managed to find our way to the apartment after getting turned around a few times and having to detour for construction.

When we walked up to the front door of the "condo" we had to wait at the door to be buzzed in. Once we walked in we proceeded to the front desk where I had to tell the desk clerk who I was wanting to see. I said my "future roommates" name and the lady said, "we don't have anyone by that name."

I told her my reasoning for being at the condos and she said that the room we were looking at had two females not by that name there, but was willing to let us go up and knock on the door. We did and of course, no answer.

From there we went back to the front door where the lady told us to call the police. Before we did we caught a cab back to the hotel and grabbed the contract, moneygram, and printed all the emails between her and I. (Cab=$20)

We then caught another cab back to the condo ($20) where we called and waited on the police to arrive.

As we waited for the police to arrive, mom looked through the classified newspaper section for other housing options. Everything is so expensive! But, we came across a housing option for summer housing/interns. We called and they allowed us to come look, but before we did we spoke with the police.

The police pretty much laughed at us. Yes, I know we made a mistake, but I am in Missouri and need a place to stay in D.C. I can't just go check out every option that comes available. Plus, everyone that I have asked for advice on housing has told me to use craiglists.

Anyways, the police tried to tell us the grammar on the emails was our first clue that it would be a hoax. I said that it was how today's generations writes. (it really wasn't THAT bad) and mom told him that we didn't know if I was speaking to a foreigner because 80% of D.C. area is foreigners. The police just laughed, called us wrong and questioned where I actually I was from because my ID said one place but yet my moneygram came from walmart near school.

There wasn't anything we could do at that point. The police left without taking a police report. So mom and I caught another cab ($20) to the house we called on. The rent is double than what I originally thought I was going to pay. It is a studio apartment and to be honest it was a nice apartment.

I can't apply for it until closer to my move date because they have so many people that come and go, but the lady pretty much guaranteed a place for me. She said she has a lot of interns over the summer.

I am still not sure what I am going to do, but at least we know that there are still options.

Faith

They say college is the years in your life that you are allowed to make bad choices and experiment because after you graduate it's off to the real world.

For me, college has definitely had its ups and downs. There are plenty of moments that I never want to forget, but there are quiet a few that I wish never happened.

My sophomore year was my "crazy" year in college and although it could of been far worse, I am still not proud of it nor do I admit to a lot of the things that happened.

For the longest time I lived my life with no regrets. I never felt like anything was a mistake or regret, just simply a lesson in life. And a something that made me, me.

I am a believer in God. And I believe that if you ask for forgiveness then you shall receive it.

But for some reason I struggled with this idea every time I asked for forgiveness. God has always been there and I knew He was forgiving me, but inside I didn't understand why he would forgive sins like mine.

I have always lived with a huge guilt inside of me. No matter how much I prayed, I honestly didn't feel forgiven.

I can't honestly say what happened between sophomore and junior year, but I changed. I grew up.

I distanced myself from my friends for a semester. When they realized my change, they walked away from me. I did my thing and they did theirs.

I continued to lean on God-- still working on seeking full forgiveness for my past.

I soon realized what I wanted out of life, what my priorities in life were and how I constantly changed myself to please others in many aspects of my life and I didn't want to anymore.

Overtime, I realized that all along God had forgiven me, but I had not forgiven myself. Until I did I would constantly live with the guilt and unwanted memories.

I have learned to let go of the choices I have made in the past. I know that I can't go back and change them, and I've realized that the past is full of "lessons." However, I am now honest with myself and admit that I regret some of it.

I now have my friends back and know that I can still do some of the old things I use to without all the bad decisions that came along. I have also made new friends within the time period and they have impacted my life a lot.

In many ways I live my life more to God these days. I pray more. Put more in His hands. And know that there is a reason to every situation I am in-- and in time I will no the reason. Faith has been my savor.

"Everyday God gives a moment in which it is possible to change everything that makes us happy. The magical instant is the moment during which a yes or no can change our entire existence."

May the Angels protect you, trouble neglect you.

Since my last post, James has called me twice (via Skype), Mon. the 11th and then Thurs. 14th. Usually there is a 3 to 4 day gap in between us talking because he is gone a mission or they shut off communication there for awhile.

I would have to say the gap in not talking is the hardest part. We went from talking everyday to every 3 or 4 days and with 30 minute limitations. I guess the fear is that its been so long.. I hope nothing bad has happened.

James and I talked about that on Thursday when he called. I basically just let it out and said that it makes me nervous when I don't see him online or hear from him for multiple days in a row. He understood this concern and said "no news is good news." Which I suppose is true. Then he followed up by saying I wasn't on the contact list so he can see where I would get nervous. He told me he would tell his brother to contact me if something did happen.

In a way that was a relief. I knew I would always be informed then, only now I pray not to hear from his brother.

We also talked about the dreams I have been having. James doesn't have much to say about them. I think he finds it just as weird as I do. We talked about how he hasn't been remembering his dreams. And again about how I have never had dreams that come true, but every time I dream about him, they come true.

From there you basically say anything you can think of before your 30 minutes is up and let me tell you... it's the fast 30 minutes of your life. And every time, you just want to hold on to the moment and slow down time because you never know when exactly you will hear from him again.

Since Thursday, I hadn't heard from James and he hadn't been online. Usually after a few days I send a facebook to let him know I am still praying for him. That way if he gets online when I am not online, he knows I wish I could be.

Yesterday he was able to get on again. We had way less than 30 minutes together. It was like 2:30 in the morning there so he had to make things quick to let everyone back home know he was okay and then get to bed.

After I talked with him. A couple of my friends came over to watch a movie, "The Hurt Locker." It was a movie about the war in Iraq and what the troops are doing over there.

Throughout the night I woke up at least 5 times due to nightmares. I kept seeing James in full combat. Shooting people. People shooting him. Bombs exploding.

I really thought I had this dream because of the movie, but around 1 p.m. today I talked with James about it. Again my time was short so we pretty much only discussed the dream and then time was up, but to me it doesn't matter as long as I see that he has gotten online or I can just say a few words to him.

I asked James if work went ok, because I woke up like 5 times to nightmares.

He asked like what.

I said, you. You were fighting and shooting and bombs were going off.

He responded with "and I am fine."

From there I knew my dream was true. I hate discussing the dreams because I don't want to freak myself out nor James. We talked about it a little and he told me to think positive things about him before falling asleep. I agreed to try and I said I believe the dreams mean something and as long as he is safe then I can stand them.

James has now been deployed for a month. I still pray everyday for his safe return home.

Dreams

On the 12th of December (I believe it was), I dreamt that James called me and told me he was deploying for Afghanistan. In my dream I had absolutely nothing to say to him. I was scared and speechless of his leaving and so shocked that it came so soon.

After waking up, I thought nothing of the dream. At the end of the day, James got online and we were just casually talking like we had been doing everyday.

All the sudden James said, "Kiley, I am leaving soon."

My dream came true... the only thing was I wasn't speechless.

"There is so much I want to say, but I've said it all," I said. "Then, tell me something new," He said.

"I had a dream about you last night. You called and told me you were deploying." James didn't have much to say about that, but we both kind of ignored it.

From there I told him to be safe, always call his family first (and then me), to listen to "our" songs and think of me and always know you're never alone.

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Later that night I went to sleep and about midnight I woke up after dreaming that James was online (even though he was suppose to be gone by now). I got online to see if this dream was true. Sure enough James was online.

He was writing a letter and doing final goodbyes to his family before going to bed.

James deployed December 14th.

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A few days after New Year's I had another dream. I don't remember any of it, but when I woke up I was scared to death and all I could think about was James. I knew that it had to relate.

I hadn't really talked with James in a few days so I sent him a facebook message saying, I woke up with an uneasy feeling about him and to be careful. And that I am praying for him.

A few minutes later he wrote back telling me they were heading out on a mission and that he would talk to me when it was over. And "thanks for the heads up."

I went all day waiting to hear from him. James made it through safe :)

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On Friday the 8th of Jan. James called me via Skype. It sure was good to hear his voice.

Friday night I dreamt that I was in the unknown place, with harsh living conditions and getting ready for bed. All of the sudden I heard a gun shot and I took off running to see who it was.

I honestly can't say I tied this one back to James because he wasn't really in it except for me thinking about him when I woke up.

On Saturday, I talked with James online and asked what his plans for the day were. He said nothing really, but told me about his day after talking to me via Skype.

Let's just say the dream and his day tied together.

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I don't understand why every dream I have about James comes out true to a point in the end. My mom said maybe I was guardian angel or maybe fate is what is causing this.

At times it's hard to have them all come true, when no other dream of mine has ever came true, but at other times it's like I know he is still safe and protect him.

I'm still praying. Everyday.

Any Soldier

About a month ago I went to my Feature Writing class and as an assignment the teacher gave us a dollar and told us to spend the dollar and write a feature story on how we spent the dollar. 

I immediately knew that I wanted to write a soldier gone to war, wait for their response and write my story. Impossible... the story was due in 2 days. So instead I decided to write my letter and write a story based on what I wrote. 

That night I went home and wrote a letter. I had know idea who I was going to send this letter to. I knew I few people who were deployed, mainly spouses of my moms employees or family friends I didn't really know. But I wanted this letter to go to someone I really didn't know.

I googled "send a letter to a soldier." The first search to come up was a site called "Any Soldier." I read though the site and I realized that you could mail to soldiers who get little to no mail at all. This is exactly what I wanted to do!

The bad part... I had to pick from a list of over 2,000 soldiers who I wanted to send my letter to. How could I possibly pick who to send to?

The first person I clicked on, James. I read through the message he wrote, but I didn't know if I should send it to him or not.

I then went through a few others based on male, female, what branch they were in, when they posted. But I couldn't decided on who to send to. Finally I decided I should pick something that was significant to me... so I thought my birthday. I clicked on a few but it was recommending not sending to anyone who they haven't heard from in that long. 

I then decided that I would go back to the most recent added people count down 8 (my lucky number) Army people (since that is who we mostly served at my internship). 

James  ---> was the 8th Army soldier on the list. Fate. And my letter would be sent to him.

It had been almost two weeks and I had heard anything from him. I was watching a Christmas movie and I began to think about the website. So I went back to it and began to read more on it. 

It is the job of any soldier who is on the website to pass on the mail to someone who doesn't get any mail. (Uh-oh,  I didn't read enough!) I was so set on James getting my letter mainly because I believe there was a reason he was the 8th Army soldier.

From there I used facebook. I found him and sent him probably the weirdest message he has ever received in his life. I explained that he should be getting a letter and that although it's his job to pass it on I really want him to keep it. 

Turns out I messaged the right person and the letter hasn't been passed on. 

James is currently in Italy and is deploying within a few days. We have talked everyday via facebook chat for 2 weeks now. We are both looking forward to him getting my letter when he gets to Afghanistan. He will be deployed for about a year and 3 months. And we have plans to write the entire time. 

I ask that everyone keeps him in your prayers for a safe return home! 

Since the summer.

As much as I would like to say that not much has happened since my last post- I would be wrong to do so. 

Over the last few months I have learned a great deal not only about myself, but about life in general. 

I have learned that even though college is the time to go out and experience and make mistakes and try things before you get out into the "real world," sometimes its not all worth it. Sure everyone has those experiences and mistakes but there comes a time in life when you have to realize its time to put it behind you, grow up and stop making those decisions. Mainly because as you get older you should be more mature and start finding those ideas as immature and irresponsible. 

Over the months I have learned that some people make this realization and others... well they  simply haven't hit the "grow up" stage. 

I learned a lot about myself as well. I have finally come to realize that I always put others before myself. Too many times I have second guessed my life plans and have been willing to change them for others, including boys to help save a relationship. But that's not life and in reality I would never truly be happy if I did that.

I have finally settled on a career choice and since the summer I have more determination than ever to fulfill those dreams.

The summer opened my eyes to career closer than I ever thought I could get to the Army besides enlisting. I learned of the Army Public Affairs Intern Program and even though I admit that I have had some doubt about it-- it is truly what I want to do. 

My life cannot revolve around others and my happiness cannot be put aside. As scary as the real world is to me and the idea of possibly failing... I don't want to live with regret or "what if's."

I am a junior in college, now 21, and realized I will be graduating in exactly one year. No one knows what their future holds for them-- but they can help predict the outcome by what they put into it.